speak by listening

Since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening"  --- Rumi

A few days ago my 8 year old son came home from school looking extremely frustrated and upset.  When I inquired why, he told me, (a huge tear slowly rolling down his plump cheek) that his science teacher had failed to keep her promise. His science teacher had promised to make him the group leader for the next five weeks, but had chosen another boy instead. My son who has a passion for science and is nicknamed the ‘walking science encyclopedia’, who loves to share his knowledge with his friends, had waited for a long time to be appointed group leader of his class. I knew it was very important to my son and I felt his disappointment, but I refrained from dismissing his sentiments, neither did I shower him with sympathy. I gave him a hug, looked into his eyes and told him that I knew exactly how it felt to be in his shoes. He wiped off his tears, pondered on the matter for a few seconds, and much to my reassurance announced that being the leader was not as important to him, as long as his teachers appreciated his intelligence and hard work.  Giving me a big hug, my son went off to play, tears all forgotten. I felt happy because my most important parenting tool ‘listening’ had paid off. All that my child needed at that moment was to be heard and acknowledged, and I had catered to his needs.  Listening to understand instead of listening to judge is called ‘active listening.’  Active listening skills, which can be acquired with some practice, really help us improve  communication with our children.

There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves."— Albert Guinon

According to a research, we remember only 25 to 50% of what we hear during a conversation, the rest is apparently lost in the realm of a mind preoccupied with a million thoughts. Active listening, on the other hand, is a practice through which we listen not only to hear the view point of the other person, but  to understand the complete message.  As parents it is our responsibility to acquire this skill to raise confident and emotionally secure children.  Most of the time, when children share their problems and frustrations with us, their issues seem very trivial compared to the adult problems that we face on a daily basis, in the ‘real world’. What we don’t strive to understand is that the problems that seem so trivial to us are in fact major issues for children, in their ‘real world’.  In order to understand our children, we need to put ourselves in their shoes. For a child, losing his favourite toy, or being picked on at school is as earth shattering as an adult losing a major business deal or being harassed by a jealous co-worker. Therefore, by practicing active listening, we acknowledge their feelings and open a channel of communication which saves us from problems such as teenage rebellion and misunderstandings related to generation gap issues in future.

"Effective listeners remember that "words have no meaning - people have meaning."----Larry Barker

Active listening is a skill that can be acquired with some practice. Some of us who are always preoccupied with our own issues may need a little more practice than others to master this art.  The following are the steps that enable us to be active listeners:

 Focus and paying undivided attention

·        Make strong eye contact

·        Avoid looking over the shoulder

·        Listen with an open mind, to understand and not to judge

Acknowledge their feelings

·        Make them know that you care, by your facial expressions and body language

·        Make comments such as “ I can see how upset you are” or “ it must be frustrating” etc

·        Don’t shower them with sympathy such as “ I am so sorry”, “ what a pity” etc

Ask questions

"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."— Henry David Thoreau

·        Instead of showering your child with solutions, ask questions, such as “what do you plan to do about that?” or “ how do you feel about that?” etc

·        Keep your questions brief and encourage your child to come up with options and solutions

Refrain from being judgmental

·        Avoid blaming and shaming as it completely blocks  communication

·        Never use the ‘ I told you so’ statement, even if you had actually told him/her so

·        Stay composed and don’t let your expressions change dramatically

·        Avoid judging your child to keep the channel of communication open for the future

Come up with solutions

·        Encourage your child to find solutions through  open and honest discussion and come with a plan

·        Exert your view point candidly

I want to conclude my writing with this beautiful poem written by noted author and speaker Diane Loomans;

If I had my child to raise over again
I'd build self-esteem first and the house later
I'd finger paint more and point the finger less
I would do less correcting and more connecting
I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes
I would care to know less and know to care more
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites
I'd stop playing serious and seriously play
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars
I'd do more hugging and less tugging
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often
I would be firm less often and affirm much more
I'd model less about the love of power
And more about the power of love.